How do you and your partner argue? Are you loud yellers or are you calm debaters? Whose to say what the right or wrong way is, but I can share with you what it’s like from both perspectives. I have a friend, Yvonne, who shared with me recently that she and her husband never yell at each other! Unable to comprehend such a thing, I asked “What???? Are you sure? You never ever yell at each other?” She replied with a smile ”no, we don’t.” I was in awe. You see, my husband and I yell all the time, and I know it’s not good. Neither one of us feels good afterwards and I think we need to find a way to change our ways. But how?
Not only do they not argue though, but they treat each other with such “newness”… what do I mean? Well, as if they’re still in a new relationship, you know the new ones that are all lovey dovey and sweet. I hear and see my friend in action with her hubby Carlos and she talks so sweetly to him. She calls him lindo, Spanish for handsome, and she’s always excited to hear from him. She ends each call with real blown kisses. I can see the butterflies floating around her as she talks to him. It’s amazing to me. Does this mean they love each other more than those of us not like that? Maybe. So what da heck?! I think my husband and I have tried to do the non-yelling but it didn’t last. And while we do love each other, neither of us is lovey dovey. I think it has a lot to do with how we were raised but that’s for another post. Back to the non yelling thing, maybe it’s time we try again. We get so hot headed, both of us, him because of stubbornness and me, because I won’t back down and wither in a corner, oh no siree bob! So it’s a vicious cycle of who gets the last yell in.
We do love each other, however I know some may think we don’t respect each other, because of how we argue. It’s difficult to change after so many years. However I ask myself, is it worth a try to change? I was so curious about my friend’s story, I asked her to share with us why she thinks they are the way they are and what she told me, made me tear up. It may possibly do the same for you. Read her story below:
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Let me just say that I grew up with parents that were not as affection or loving towards one another and I knew there was something missing. When my husband and I started dating over 18 years ago we laid down the ground rules for our relationship and one (for me) was no yelling, cursing or raising of our voice – I dealt with it for too many years with my parents and I saw the contempt in their eyes for one another and I vowed that I would not be like them. Not to say that everyone that screams or yells at one another has contempt, but it was obvious that there was no love in their relationship and I wanted to do things differently…I wanted to learn from their mistakes and relationship. It seemed they not only did not love one another, but they also did not respect one another.
Argue? What’s that?? LoL Carlito and I do not argue – we disagree and we talk calmly through the disagreement. Sometimes if it seems like neither of us see eye to eye and the conversation is getting a bit heated – we walk away into our own corners of the house and give each other space. Food always brings us back together because (let’s face it) we have to eat. Either one of us will break the ice by asking if we’re hungry and what should we eat. As we sit there stuffing our faces, we’ll calmly delve into the conversation once again – always being mindful of the other’s feelings and response.
Do we go to bed angry? Seldomly, but that’s not to say it’s never happened. Every relationship has it’s high’s and low’s, but even when we had our biggest low, we did not lose sight of our most fundamental rule: no screaming, yelling or cursing. There was a period in our relationship (after we were already married) that we went for a week without talking to each other and even slept in separate rooms – and that was difficult for me. I even entertained the “D” word “Divorce”, but once again food brought us together and we somehow calmly discussed the issue – me crying, while he held the box of tissues.
Maybe there is something wrong with this approach and it may not work for everyone, but 18 years and counting and I don’t ever look at my husband with contempt even through our most difficult time.I did what I set out to do when I was a young girl…I learned from my parent’s mistakes and thanks in part to all of their screaming, yelling and cursing, I have a strong relationship that I hope will be everlasting.
Quotable advice? Scream if you must, but be mindful of your words – some things you can’t take back after they’ve been said.
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And there you have it. A couple who never yells and is going strong! What are your thoughts? I’ve had other friends share with me that perhaps one of them is the yeller, the other the retreater. Or instead of yelling they give each other attitudes. Remember, everyone disagrees, as do my friends but Yvonne and Carlos don’t yell at each other or argue in the typical sense of the word. It’s important to keep communication lines open in any relationship, to be honest and to be receptive. Now if you can get your delivery under control, that’s a whole new ball game. Much love to my friend for sharing her story with us all. I may have to give this whole thing a new shot.
I loved the article. I tell you, you have a gift for story telling – I feel like we were sitting in a restaurant sharing this over a great plate of pasta. Thank you for making me and Carlos the focus of your story. I love him whole heartedly – even when I don’t agree with him, which (thankfully) is not often. He’s not perfect and let’s face it no one is, but (I think) he’s the closest.
Such a sweet read. Kudos to you and Carlos VonneG. Great example to those of us in relationships.