My mother remarried when I was 5 years old and my stepfather had been in my life since I was 3 years old. He was there for all of the milestones of my life. When I got married, he walked me down the aisle and he is the best grandpa my kids and I could ever ask for; but a few weeks ago, my kids learned, he is not my biological father. I had put off telling my kids for years, my daughter is 4 and my son 7. The truth is, I didn’t know how they’d react, didn’t know how I would answer their questions, thought they were too young to understand. In the end, it wasn’t even me that told them. My mother told them. When my daughter said to me, “Mommy, I know a secret about you,” I was caught off guard, never thinking that what she was about to say, was going to hurt me and yet make me feel relief at the same time. She said, “I know that Grandpa is not really your dad.” I felt this emotional wave come over me and my eyes filled up with tears. I was driving so I had to concentrate on the road. After some silence, my son said to his little sister, “You just don’t know how to keep a secret.”
After I pushed down the lump in my throat, I asked, “What do you know?”
Addison, “That you have another dad”
Me, “Well, that’s true but Grandpa is still my dad. Who told you this?”
Addison, “Grandma did, she told us.”
I started to explain to them that yes, grandma was married before and I have another father, but that grandpa was still my dad because he raised me as well. I felt bad for my dad (stepfather) because I didn’t want the kids to question him about this. I think they understood that it would make him uncomfortable and I don’t think they’ve asked him anything but I also felt defensive because in my mind, he is my dad, he’s done so much for me that there is no step in his name, it’s dad and that’s it. At the same time I felt relieved that they didn’t really seem to make a big deal about it. I shared with them that when I was younger, I’d see my father on the weekends and that I did have many other siblings. This being what prompted the entire scenario. You see, my sister Joanna was coming for a visit with my nephew. Joanna is my half-sister, from my father, but we don’t refer to each other that way. She’s just my sister, period. Growing up everyone thought we were twins :). The kids did not get why she was not grandmas daughter like Titi (auntie) Barbara. They had initially asked me and I didn’t really give them an answer. I guess that’s why they went to grandma. So I guess the time was right, and it presented itself but I dismissed it. There isn’t ever a right time, I guess when kids ask, you’ll know it’s time to share.
After I went over stories of my past with the kids, they wanted to know where my biological father was now. I explained he lives in the same state but that I haven’t seen him in 20 years. The sadness was met with relief because this was done, it was out in the open, no more secret. If the opportunity ever arises for them to meet him, I won’t have to start from scratch, the fear of their reaction is behind me. They asked like little adults, were curious like all children, all humans would be. I answered their questions, showed them pictures and that was it. Sadness was quickly replaced by relief and now they can slowly learn about a side of me, I have kept in the dark, not necessarily by choice, but because that’s just the way my life played out.
